Neurodivergent(ADHD) vs. Neurotypical Communication — Why We Keep Missing Each Other

“Art isn’t made better by being the same. The same is true for people.”

— Rick Rubin

Some people process one thought at a time.

Others hold the whole picture in their heads before the conversation even begins.

One isn’t better.

One isn’t harder.

But they are different—and when we pretend they’re the same, connection breaks down.

That’s the root of neurodivergent vs. neurotypical miscommunication.

It’s not just about the words—it’s about how our brains and bodies receive them.

The Emotional Sunburn You Can’t See

Let’s start here:

Imagine you have a raging sunburn. Someone pats you on the back—gently, casually, without meaning harm. But you flinch. It hurts.

That’s what emotional regulation can feel like for neurodivergent people (ADHD, autism, dyslexia, OCD, etc.).

We aren’t overreacting—we’re reacting from pain you can’t see.

💥 A short Slack message with the wrong tone? It spirals into shame.

💥 A manager’s rushed energy? It gets absorbed as rejection.

💥 “Hey, can we talk later?” = “I’m getting fired.”

This isn’t fragility. It’s hypersensitivity hardwired into our emotional processing systems.

And if you’re not neurodivergent yourself, you probably can’t feel it—unless someone tells you.

That’s what this is.

We’re telling you.

The TV Show vs. The Movie Brain

Here’s a metaphor that just lands:

TV shows (sitcom) are filmed in order.

Scene by scene. A live audience watches each piece build on the last.

Movies?

They’re filmed out of order—based on location, light, budget, actor availability.

Scene 42 first. Scene 6 next. The intro last.

🧠 Neurotypical minds are TV shows.

🧠 Neurodivergent minds are movies.

We hold the full vision before we even say a word.

We bounce. We loop. We connect.

But it still comes together in the end—if you let us tell it our way.

And if you try to force a movie brain into a TV-show process?

They don’t just struggle.

They feel broken.

What It Looks Like at Work

Let’s say you’re leading a pre-conference meeting:

• Your neurotypical logistics lead wants clear timelines and a checklist. They ask questions after the plan is delivered.

• Your neurodivergent producer starts with a seemingly unrelated comment, jumps ahead, loops back, and blurts out a bunch of connected ideas mid-meeting.

Here’s what happens if you’re not paying attention:

🙅‍♀️ Neurotypical interpretation: “They’re disorganized. Confusing. All over the place.”

🙅‍♂️ Neurodivergent interpretation: “They don’t value how I think. I’ll shut down next time.”

What’s actually happening?

The neurotypical brain processes information linearly.

The neurodivergent brain connects through pattern, energy, and emotion.

Two truths. Both valid. But they need different conditions to thrive.

Leading Both Brain Styles

Great leaders don’t just tolerate differences.

They adjust for them.

Here's what that looks like:

Leadership Action	Neurotypical Team Member	Neurodivergent Team Member
Giving Feedback	Focus on tone and clarity	Focus on timing and delivery method
Assigning Tasks	Clear steps and deadlines	Autonomy + big-picture result
Checking In	“How’s it going?” works fine	Be explicit: “Do you need support?”
Group Meetings	Stick to agenda and order	Allow whiteboards, visuals, post-meeting notes

Small shifts = massive difference.

And if you name the difference up front? Even better.

“Hey, I know we process things differently. I want to make sure this works for both of us—can you tell me what would help you stay regulated and creative during this process?”

That kind of leadership builds loyalty.

And loyalty builds momentum.

The Cost of Misreading Each Other

From our Words Matter podcast episode on ADHD communication:

“When I interrupt, it’s not because I’m rude—it’s because I’m lit up. My brain is exploding with ideas, and I’m showing you how invested I am. But to a neurotypical? It feels like I’m not listening. And that’s the heartbreak—because I am.”

Or…

“A neurotypical partner pauses mid-story. My ADHD brain assumes I messed up. I retreat, I spiral, I overcorrect—when all they were doing was thinking.”

And this one hits hard:

“We show up 100%… and then get punished for showing up.”

This Isn’t About Coddling — It’s About Connection

Want better outcomes in your team, relationship, or leadership?

✅ Ditch the one-size-fits-all communication playbook.

✅ Learn who you’re talking to.

✅ Lead with curiosity instead of control.

Because when people feel safe to be themselves—they don’t just show up.

They sprint.

Final Word (Esther Perel said it best):

“Understanding doesn’t mean agreement—it means connection.”

Different doesn’t mean broken.

It means we build differently.

So build something better. Together.